Thor the Conqueror

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“In a Savage Land of Magic, Mystery and Wonder, One Man Towers Above All Others!”

Do you love kickass ‘80s sword and sorcery flicks like Conan and Beastmaster – sweaty action epics filled with muscle-bound barbarians, beautiful women, magic, swordfights, revenge, violence, monsters and lots of lusty lovemaking? Well, keep dreaming about those other great movies, because in the hilariously stupid Thor the Conqueror, you’re in for a world of barbarian-strength pain as a vacant-eyed lunkhead named Thor, along with his bitchy traveling companion Etna the Birdman, roams the world seeking revenge against the father-killing hords of Gnut (seriously!), and in the process subjects us all to a torrent of stilted acting, atrocious Italian-to-English dubbing, laughable “action” (since when do fearsome warriors wear wicker laundry baskets on their heads for cranial protection?) and an overall aura of ineptitude that scrapes the bottom of the bad movie barrel in the best possible way. (Dir. by Anthony Richmond, 1983, Italy, badly dubbed into English, 85 mins., Rated R) Digital