Hospital Massacre

hospmass-webposter Showtimes

“The Check-Up That Became a NIGHTMARE!”

As if Obamacare wasn’t scary enough, this terrifically tacky tale of medicinal terror features busty Playboy centerfold Barbie Benton trapped in a spooky hospital where the patients check in, but they don’t check out! In Hospital Massacre (aka X-Ray), the bodacious, minimally talented ‘70s Playboy Bunny/Love Boat guest star extraordinaire Barbie Benton portrays Susan Jeremy, an “on the go” modern gal who checks in to a local hospital for a routine examination – on Valentine’s Day, naturally. Unfortunately, once she checks in, she discovers that someone doesn’t want her to check out … unless it’s in a body bag! It seems that someone from Susan’s past, someone who was humiliated in a vicious childhood Valentine’s Day prank years ago, has returned to try and make Susan his Bloody Valentine once again, and he’s keeping her trapped in the hospital after fixing her X-rays to make it seem like she has a terminal illness. Meanwhile, he’s brutally knocking off everyone, from doctors and nurses to janitors and innocent bystanders, she comes in contact with. Can Susan keep her cool while simultaneously keeping her flimsy examination gown closed? That would be a resounding NO on both counts. Ludicrous to the extreme (the silly plot mechanics required to keep Susan enrolled as a patient in the hospital as the dead bodies start piling up around her almost boggle the mind), enjoyable trashy (if you’re thinking this movie won’t feature a salivating topless physical examination scene for the pneumatic Ms. Benton, you would be mistaken) and even occasionally creepy (killers in surgical masks and ER scrubs are always good for a shiver or two), Hospital Massacre is horror schlock done right. From the director of Last American Virgin and Hot Bubblegum! (Dir. by Boaz Davidson, 1982, USA, 89 mins., Rated R) Digital